As the pre exhibition jitters hijack my nervous system, negative thoughts fill my head. Once again fear makes a last ditch effort to sabotage the work. This is a repeated pattern every time I’ve embarked on a creative project intended for the public arena. Whether it was a book or a new series of paintings, fear circled like a vulture. It is a sly seductive little voice that always amps up when you are on the verge of something good.
Before you start, fear tries to find ways to stall you. If you start and consistently create anyway, fear whispers, plantings seeds of doubt about the work. You push through. You repeatedly have to shut down that fear.
After months of painting, my exhibition is just around the corner. Fear is once again making a last stand. My family have noticed my joyful mood shifting to a quieter nervous energy. Ugly thoughts plague me. What if the work doesn’t connect? Why didn’t I paint in a manner trending in home decor? My work isn’t market-able! What if nothing sells? FEAR, FEAR, FEAR, screaming down the corridors of my mind sending a warning sign through my whole body.
If you listen, fear wins and you retreat to the safety of not doing it. The flawed beauty is that you will not publicly fail, right? You can quietly skulk back to socially accepted roles and duties, no harm, no foul. But in that decision, you still have to deal with your internal self, knowing the only true failure was giving up. But can you really live with the regret? Not backing yourself and not persevering? I can not! So I thank my beautiful family for their grace through my nervous anticipation and I press on despite my fear.
In those times in the aftermath of a launch that didn’t feel successful, the tears flowed. Sometimes your work just isn’t met with resounding applause. So I’d sit with the sorrow, give myself space to process and then dust myself off and keep creating. Partly because I’m stubborn, but mostly because my every instinct is to create. I can’t deny the intrinsic need to do it. Granted there have been times I’ve felt so defeated it took longer to bounce back. But in the end I always do. I can’t stop creating. It’s not an option. So I’ll keep wrestling my fears. Grow from my bruises and scars and never give up on this art fuelled life.
Stay connected with the art journey and the late night musings.
Susie Sotiropoulos 