I’ve had a long history with the creative arts, as it’s ebbed and flowed throughout the years. There have been prolific periods of high energy, creative production and long periods where the most creative expression was how I decorated my children’s birthday cakes.
Consistency has been my issue. There are so many reasons I used to justify the dry spells, but when you strip it back, it always came down to FEAR. Fear of failure, judgement, rejection, which all stem from the fear of not being loved. It’s a mind bending rabbit hole when your most innate action is creating, but along the way you’ve learnt not to trust you are enough. So you retreat, keep it within the limits of ‘hobby” and let fear win and the path stops. starts. stops…. never gaining genuine momentum.
After the publication of a collection of poetry that was launched with an exhibition of art, I felt tempted to retreat. A huge blue wave of guilt, doubt and shame hit after people felt uncomfortable. It turns out my poetry threatened embedded misogynistic believe systems in people, and the launch crashed and burned. I was proud of the poetry and crushed it was not liked. I wanted to hide.
Instead, I enrolled in an art course determined to keep extending my skills and moving my art forward. It is 18 months later, the course is completed, and I am actively pursuing my artistic path. There will always be waves of creative highs and lows. The difference learnt is that no matter the outcome, it takes gumption and will, to keep going and stay consistent. I’ve reconnected with my 6 year old version of myself, whose innate love didn’t need external validation, nor fear peoples’ reactions. Her internal sense of purpose, drive and accomplishment was fully in tact. That kid, when it came to her art, knew her worth and she pursued it with intention and passion. I finally feel silvery glimmers of that self, shining through again, as I unwire all the learned fears that have keep me stuck for so long.
Ride the creative waves with me and see how it continues to flow. Subscribing keeps you connected with stories, reflective musings and the artworks.
Susie Sotiropoulos 